Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize