I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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