Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
