I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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