oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
