This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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