My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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