I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
