It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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