i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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