Will you blow on my dice?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
