If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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