What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize