In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
