it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
