i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
