as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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