my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
