My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
