i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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