i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
