Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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