My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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