We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
