we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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