I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
