So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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