I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize