I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
