So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
