your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
being pregnant is like rehab
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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