You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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