My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
