Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
