Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
