Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
