there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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