I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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