made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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