no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
