Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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