bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
