I hate all girls vehemently.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
