I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
