Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
