i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
