wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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