my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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