i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
