i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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