He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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