if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
