Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
