Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
