im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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