You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
