halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
