Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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