Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
