she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
