so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
