I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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