my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
