Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
